I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We're too hungover to prance.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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