just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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