So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
