Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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