guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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