Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
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