my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
