Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
it's like heaven, but drunker
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
