Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
