I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
