I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
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Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
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lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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