well you can't waste a boner
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I would fuck him just for his dog
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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