Do you still have your period?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
They have beer where we have blood.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
