He asked to "fluff my boner.."
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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