remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
