I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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