just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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