if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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