Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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