some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
