I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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