Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
