There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
