so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
