but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
