I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he thought i was a dude.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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