I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You don't make any sense
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