Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
