You work out of a Hotel?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
