I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
two words...techno handjob
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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