I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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