Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
