WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My vagina just clenched in fear
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
