I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
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It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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