no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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