I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
