you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
