I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
