I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
