I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
