Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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