Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
