DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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