Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
