If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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