I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
