just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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