We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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