I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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