I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
