his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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