Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
