We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
