you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
