Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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