Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Someone shattered a urinal.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
