so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
