the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
