Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
