I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
