her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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