At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
