Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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