I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
cat food counts as protein by the way
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
