last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
