What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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